the truth

i think i accept what is easiest to believe before i accept what is true. i've seen this more and more in people and in myself.

i saw a patient who had a problem that medicine could not cure the way he wanted it to be cured. it wasn't quick enough or long-lasting, so he went to an "alternative medicine" doctor to get a quicker fix. this doctor told him the best way to cure disease is to get more oxygen in your body. this is easy to believe. it makes sense if you want it to. so he believed it and shoved a hydrogen peroxide enema up his ass and got a severe chemical burn to his rectum.

the easy answers to believe are the ones that make my life easier. i can convince myself that i am happy the way i've always been. it's easiest not to change, and it's easiest to believe that i will be happy if i don't change. if i stay the same person as i am right now, 10 years from now i'll be just as happy. it makes since, but it's scary, however, when i start to change.

the truth is, i won't be happy 10 years from now if i stay the same. and i'm not trying to change, but i am. i want to keep my guard up. i want to lock myself up and just be who i've always been. but i can't, because i'm changing.

i never thought i would fall in love. i never wanted to. i always pictured myself alone. that's changing.

i never wanted to see the bad in people. i always looked for the small good that i saw in a person. i always loved the lovable. i never wanted to see bad, but now i do. it's hard to love people who you can't see good in, but i'm meeting more of them every day. learning to love people who are easy to hate is totally new for me. it's not happening quickly, or noticeably, but it's there.

i always wanted to know everything. i probably got into medicine because i wanted to be the smartest and the best. that's changing. nothing like hanging around really smart people to make a decently smart person feel dumb. but i'm starting to become ok with it.

changes are good, and the truth is i would probably hate myself if i didn't change from now to 35 years old. it would be easy, but i'm not the person i am now. i'm changing, and i'm just now realizing it. it's kind of cool.