once.i.had.an.original.thought

i think i'm over it

2007-08-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

i like the idea of blogging, but i don't like the one-sidedness of it. i'd rather have conversations, and i think that blogs lead me to being a poor conversationalist. not that i've done much reading or writing in blogs lately, but once i cut back, i realized i was glad i did.

i bid you all goodbye, and i hope we meet in the land of face-to-faceness. that will be much more fun for me.

another movie

2007-08-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

i watched Jesus Camp last night. it was interesting, and i did a little research, and supposedly no one portrayed in the movie had any objection to how they looked. except ted haggard, and that was only after his scandal broke a few months after the movie came out.

the thing that came back to me was how those in the movie made christianity into something militant. i know there are many passages in the bible that refer the the armor of god and comparing life to war. but does that make us militant? does it make us want to build up an army against our enemies? it seems to make sense, that i should fight in any way those who oppose the things i believe (as long as what i believe falls in line with "god's will"). but i don't think i can be sure of anything that much, certain enough to bring arms against my neighbors. at least now, i have more hope that things will be better and i won't have to perform militant acts, than i have faith that what i believe demands action. i am sure of very few things. i'm not sure if that makes me faithless.

the truth

2007-07-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

i think i accept what is easiest to believe before i accept what is true. i've seen this more and more in people and in myself.

i saw a patient who had a problem that medicine could not cure the way he wanted it to be cured. it wasn't quick enough or long-lasting, so he went to an "alternative medicine" doctor to get a quicker fix. this doctor told him the best way to cure disease is to get more oxygen in your body. this is easy to believe. it makes sense if you want it to. so he believed it and shoved a hydrogen peroxide enema up his ass and got a severe chemical burn to his rectum.

the easy answers to believe are the ones that make my life easier. i can convince myself that i am happy the way i've always been. it's easiest not to change, and it's easiest to believe that i will be happy if i don't change. if i stay the same person as i am right now, 10 years from now i'll be just as happy. it makes since, but it's scary, however, when i start to change.

the truth is, i won't be happy 10 years from now if i stay the same. and i'm not trying to change, but i am. i want to keep my guard up. i want to lock myself up and just be who i've always been. but i can't, because i'm changing.

i never thought i would fall in love. i never wanted to. i always pictured myself alone. that's changing.

i never wanted to see the bad in people. i always looked for the small good that i saw in a person. i always loved the lovable. i never wanted to see bad, but now i do. it's hard to love people who you can't see good in, but i'm meeting more of them every day. learning to love people who are easy to hate is totally new for me. it's not happening quickly, or noticeably, but it's there.

i always wanted to know everything. i probably got into medicine because i wanted to be the smartest and the best. that's changing. nothing like hanging around really smart people to make a decently smart person feel dumb. but i'm starting to become ok with it.

changes are good, and the truth is i would probably hate myself if i didn't change from now to 35 years old. it would be easy, but i'm not the person i am now. i'm changing, and i'm just now realizing it. it's kind of cool.

sicko

2007-07-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

i got the chance to see the new michael moore movie yesterday. it was interesting. it was well-made. it was incredibly one-sided. everything i've come to expect from mr. moore.

i see where he is coming from. he wants america to socialize its medical care. it would provide care for everyone, which is a good thing. it would be "free" which is a good thing for people who need it but can't afford it. but it's paid for, just by other people.

the facts that moore throws into the movie are pretty far-fetched. he makes claims without stipulations, such as saying that the french live longer than americans because of their health care. they don't. they live longer because they live healthier lifestyles and there is much less crime, not because their health care system is better. so if you see it, consider big pictures, not just what he says. is it true literally, versus can it be applied to what he is trying to express with it?

anyway, getting back on subject... you cannot mix capitalism and socialism. america is a capitalist nation, for good or for bad, and the health care and pharmaceutical companies are private companies. they earn money. and one way they do this is innovation. they brought us many medical advancements on their way to making themselves a dollar. also, consider a group of people (250 million) who are paying for health care and are used to getting good care. now think about soccer moms sitting in "clinic 119" for 6 hours waiting to see a doctor that was assigned to the clinic for the day.

i can't think of much good coming from socialized medicine. people without health care can get care for free. they go to the ER and i see them every day. so you reduce the quality of care for the 250 million people who pay for it to provide mediocre care for everyone.

please don't take sicko as it is. it's not true. it raises good questions, but think thoroughly before you take things as fact.

sometimes

2007-06-13T14:34:00.001-07:00

every once in a while, you wonder. why do stupid things happen that really don't help anything? people are stupid, and little people are a lot more stupid. monday, a 14-year-old little turtledumpster burned down the inverness country club. that's where kelly and i are having our wedding reception. my first reaction was laughing, because something like that has to be a joke. right?

i'm in birmingham, and i'm relaxing for a couple weeks. it's great. i had one of the greatest weekends ever. went to the lake for the day saturday, went to kelly's house for an early father's day dinner and ended up having a surprise party, then went back to the lake. i spent an extra day there alone, because i haven't been alone and totally by myself in about 2 years. living with a roommate is cheaper, and it's encouraging a lot of the time to see that someone is going through the same hell you are, but you want a little space sometime. kelly and i will reach that point some day soon. but for now, it's great to hang out with her while i'm not tired and worrying about the next upcoming test.

i'm with clint. the new wilco is pretty damn good. if you disagree with me, i will gladly fight for your right to disagree. but you'll still be wrong.

better than syphilis

2007-06-06T04:02:00.001-07:00

today i take my big test. i woke up at 330, haven't been back asleep since then. i was hoping to celebrate hard after the test, but i might have to nap hard first.

if anyone has any interesting biomedical science questions, now is the time to ask. this evening, i am chunking all irrelevant material out of my brain to make room for real medicine.

over the river and through the woods

2007-06-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

kelly and i are probably (not for sure) going to the over the rhine concert in nashville on june 8. it should be banging to the n-th degree. i've been listening to them for a little over a year. she has a voice. it has a quality that you can't describe, rough and sexy with a jazzy quality that makes you wonder where she grew up.

anyone coming with us?

mary, did you know?

2007-05-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

we talked today about misconceptions we had concerning the practice of medicine before we started our trek to the finish line of actually being medical professionals. when i was little, i thought the doctor fixed people. anything that happened to me would be fixable. if there was a disease, uncle charlie (my pediatrician until i was 21) would make it right. it wasn't until medical school that i discovered that you can't fix cancer or diabetes or COPD. chronic disease was more chronic than the day you had to wait before you could get in to see uncle charlie.

we also laughed about the "there's nothing you can take for a virus" bit. there is. it's more for when you get bad off if your body is having a hard time throwing the virus down on the floor and beating the virus's virion to bits. but there are pharmacological answers to viruses.

WARNING: for anyone with a little monster being tore up by a virus - DON'T GIVE THEM ASPIRIN. NEVER GIVE A CHILD ASPIRIN. DON'T DO IT. YOU MIGHT CAUSE THEM TO GET REYE'S WHICH = BAD.

and the appendix. i know about 20 people who have had theirs taken out. little do they know, but statistically most of them (from what i've heard) didn't need it. but it's a quick and easy procedure and catches a potentially life threatening ailment before it happens. but it's not always needed because the appendix is not always inflamed. drugs could help many time, but better safe than sorry. and you get a sweet scar.

sleeping pills. i took one an hour ago. i'm dead in my body but my brain wants to work. i didn't know about sleeping pills unitl that green butterfly entered commercials on FOXNEWS. i like them.

sometime soon i will blog about the new michael moore movie. i like his questions. i like what he is trying to do. this film could be important if he doesnt make an ass out of himself just trying to get to the point. sometime soon i hope to blog about alternative/homeopathic/non-evidence based medicine. that will be fun also.

i salute you, mr pettis

2007-05-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

next thursday, the day after i take my big test, i get to see pierce pettis play in a tiny venue. i think that could be one of the greatest shows i will ever see. he has so many amazing things to say with his music. i listened to his complete discography on the way to birmingham, then again on the way back to mobile. some of my favorite lines

Everything matters if anything matters at all.

We're all in this together, but we're all in this alone.

In it's wake the razor's edge leaves only a thin red line.

i could go on, but i'm studying. those three really stuck out to me this weekend. if anyone wants to join kelly and i, let me know. also, we might be going to the over the rhine concert friday night in nashville. that one is still up in the air though.

deficiency of c6-c8 leads to neisseria bactermia

2007-05-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

there's a new poll out that evaluates muslim reactions to suicide bombings. it found that about 25% of muslim youths think that suicide bombings in defense of Islam are justified even when killing innocent bystanders.

i'm not totally sure what to think about the poll, either the point of it or what we should take away from it. i do know that the media is using it to whip people into a frenzy against american muslims. i think another interesting poll would research the number of americans who see muslim youths and think that they support suicide bombers.

one thing i've been thinking about is how when we marginalize and force people into molds, it becomes easier to fit into the molds. when we use violence and a "we must dominate" frame of mind, we turn everyone who is not with us into our enemy. does categorizing or making polls about suicide bombings change people's opinions about themselves? if i were something bad, say a staunch right wing republican (just kidding) and everyone knew that and assumed that about me, does it make it easier and more fulfilling to be an extreme staunch right wing republican?

the title is a line from the page i'm open to right now. if you have a congenital deficit of certain proteins, you get gonorrhea a lot more often. could you use that to your advantage? "i swear, it's just my genes, hillary. i did not touch that woman." anyway, i'm studying immunity and STDs. why am i thinking about polls?

negativity is a bitch

2007-05-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

so we take these "practice tests" to evaluate how we will do on our big test coming up. our dean of curriculum factors in all these grades we've made and combines the practice test and give us an estimate. she told me i would fail.

negativity is a bitch. if you have a huge test in about a month, you want a little encouragement. you want to think that what you are doing will help you out. when the dean tells you that you will fail, you kind of want to quit studying. i think she's trying to prod us on, but there are other ways of doing it. such as saying that you will actually pass. i KNOW i will pass. i'm in the middle of my class gradewise, and this test has a high passing percentage (somewhere around 90% of people pass). but she tells me i will fail by about 10 points.

the ways she got our grade (but didn't tell us until long after she told about half the class they would fail) was by only taking our practice test grade the practice test is taken by students days away from taking the real test. these people have studied for a month (which i'm in the process of doing) so of course we won't do as well. we had just finished the semester 3 days before. she didn't mention that our grade was what we would have gotten if we took it that day, she told us we would fail.

i'm just venting, but if you have the chance to encourage someone by tearing them down like a total asshole, don't do it. it's annoying as hell.

revamping by minimalizing

2007-05-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

i'm losing the computer during my study time. i waste a gross amount of time on it, and it serves me no purpose at all. at some point i'll start taking online tests to practice, but i can do those in the computer lab. so i'm cutting my cord for the next few weeks. damn it feels good.

i will still use it at night when i get home, but it's weighing me down studying. less is more.

movie suggestions?

2007-05-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

i signed up for blockbuster total access yesterday, and i'm excited to announce that the first three DVDs of West Wing Season 6 are on the way. that makes me excited, because now i don't HAVE to watch law and order every night, i actually will have choices. next year, i don't know if i want cable since it's so expensive. $100 a month for cable and internet sounds a little steep for me to deal with. i hope that someone around me will have internet for me to sneak onto. if not, i can deal with it. i'm getting tired of being on the interweb so much.

another thing that makes me happy is pierce pettis. i've been listening to him quite a bit (i got off the wagon for a couple months, but i'm glad to be back on) so i checked the old website today. he's playing a "house show" in birmingham in june. basically you get folding chairs and beer and go and sit in someone's house and watch him. it should be great if i can get in. i sent them an email today requesting tickets. i don't know how it will work exactly, but i would be totally thrilled to see him live in a small setting.

also, back to the movie thing, if anyone has any must see recommendations for me, let me know. i dig TV shows more than movies usually, and good concerts probably more than anything. but movies can be good. so let me have any suggestions that i might not have heard of. i'd 'preciate it.

-4

2007-05-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

well, it's been 4 days since i ended my second year of med school. this weekend was good fun, full of awkward moments between future in-laws, and a needed break.

the speaker at our ceremony recited a poem about little kids going to the beach. i tried to find it for you all, but the interweb is too vast with too many poems about the ocean. the kids all had the same experience, but everyone came away with something different. one with a shell, one with memories of a monster chasing her sideways, one with a sunburn. it was showing how all the students could approach medicine but come away with different ideas. i hope i'm the one who finds something beautiful in there.

some day soon i'll write about something interesting that i care about. until then, i'm studying for step 1, which is june 6. that's the big test that the first two years were supposed to prepare me for. we took a practice version of it this morning, and surprisingly i remembered a couple things.

and i'll end it with a super-blurry picture of kelly and myself.

1

2007-05-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

today is my last day of studying for biomedical science tests. except for the board.

i like the fact that there is no new material to learn this summer. i can concentrate on the eight or nine hundred hours of material that they have given us without cramming new stuff into my brain. i'll be learning to reach deep into my cranium and pull stuff out that i forgot i forgot i knew. should be interesting, but i'm definitely looking forward to a more normal type of review.

kelly is coming in to mobile tomorrow. and my family and hers. it will be a lot of fun. she's staying an extra day so we can hang out without the fam's being there, which is nice.

i wish i had more interesting things to say, but i can assure you that you would rather i not bring up what i am studying now. unless you're reading this before you go to bed. then it might be the perfect sleeping med.

2

2007-05-02T12:13:00.001-07:00

i have two days left. one test. today was a distaster, but i don't care. i have two days left.

we're playing another game of night ultimate tonight. should be fun.

3, or 'why didn't the growth hormone fairy visit last night?'

2007-05-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

so i've decided that it's not a good idea to do a lot of exercise late at night, then take lunesta to fall asleep.

i got a call about 9 last night for a game of "lights out" ultimate frisbee. we play on a pretty regular basis, and after half of my class went to the beach earlier in the day, i saw it for what it was - another way to avoid studying. so i immediately agreed.

it was dark, no lights except a few in the distance. we had a sweet frisbee that lights up. it was cool but really humid, and the ground was wet from the daily rain we get. about 12 of us got together and it was probably the most fun game of ultimate i've played in years.

i was so sore afterwards, mostly my calves and shins (i'm a little prone to shin splints). i hadn't slept well the night before due to a HUGE test i probably failed but can't bring myself to check my scantron. so here is a little medicine for all you folks out there. when you're sore and you have muscle breakdown from exercise, your body needs its nightly rebuilding hormones (mainly growth hormone). when you take lunesta or other sleeping pills, you don't get those.

my body got worked last night. i could hardly move when the alarm went off this morning. it was terrible. my mind was pretty slow from the pill, and i couldn't lift my legs. i dragged my upper body off my bed to hit the alarm on the floor then curled up in the fetal position and moaned. i am a big baby, but it's cool.

i only have 2 tests and 3 days left. i'm pretty happy right now.

4, or "why bother?"

2007-04-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

i just took a test. i don't think it would have mattered if i had studied for it or not. i would get the same grade if i had (choose the most efficacious option)

a.) stayed up all last night and gotten up at 6 to continue studying

b.) played wii until 3am and gotten up 10 minutes for the test

c.) gone to bed and gotten a good night's sleep, which hasn't happened in way too long

d.) trained a monkey to fill in scantron sheets

i chose option a, which got me nowhere. i like pharmacology. it's interesting beyond most of what we studied this year. but it's alphabet soup. drug names were not created considering what they would be used for. they're named, and then the creators sit in piles of money and laugh at stupid med students who have to learn hundreds of names of drugs that DO THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING.

so now i'm in the library, studying for our genetics final on wednesday. 4 days, 2 tests, then beer and wii.

5, or the first of the lasts

2007-04-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my last regular test (not finals or boards) of my med school life. friday was our last lecture, and i picked up my last set of handouts from the front of the room this weekend. that's because i don't go to class and never remember to get them, but just hope that there are some left when i really need them. but i skipped my last lecture that i could have skipped.

much more than i enjoy my lasts, i'm looking forward to my firsts. my first day in the hospital, my first patient to evaluate on my own. my first time looking like a stupid ass in front of an attending. my first time connecting with patients who are hurting. my first time consoling families of patients who are no longer hurting. my first time being on this 'medical team' that steps in the dirt with people and gets muddy with them. i hope i'm that guy, not some arrogant doctor who thinks that your pain has nothing to do with me.

it's a big year in other ways also. getting married, getting my own place again (only to have kelly invade it shortly thereafter), battling my parents over booze at the rehearsal dinner. it should be fun.

so today, 5 days, 3 tests until the end of my lasts. i dig that in every dirty way possible.

6

2007-04-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

we're down to the home stretch here. 6 days, 3 tests, then freedom and wii until my heart's content (for 2 days). plus some beer and good food that weekend.

i found some guy's tribute to his daughter's first birthday. not only is she a cute little monster, but he's a pretty funny bastard comparing her thought processes to the republican party currently holding power. i recommend reading it.

7

2007-04-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

well, i'm almost there. a week from freedom. i'm back to studying diarrhea, diabetes, and endocrine problems. should be fun.

so i'm not really writing anything, but i want to link to a post by josh brown. i don't know him, but found his blog through other blogs and he has some really good series. write now he's writing on operation praying mantis and its effect on us today. so click here to read it.

i'm ready to get drunk and play wii in a week.

8

2007-04-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

so i have 4 tests left and 8 days. today i'm studying clinical medicine for the final in a few hours. i just started studying for it, mostly because i've been pissed at politics and stuff.

i ran into this video at nick's blog.

it makes me angry.

10, or get off the wagon

2007-04-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

well, pretty much the same thing today as yesterday, but i'll actually write something today.

i have an ever-developing annoyance with people who get on bandwagons for causes that they know little about. part of being on the offensive against things you disagree with is being informed. as GI Joe once said (i think it was him) "knowing is half the battle." we're like a bunch of lemmings when we hear something that sounds good. (speaking of lemmings, check out this sweet Sigur Ros video)

i've seen the whole lemming thing in a couple things lately. first, and probably most annoying because it takes only a small amount of thinking to realize it's ridiculous, is the DON'T BUY GAS ON MAY 15 bullshit. there are hundreds of thousands of members of facebook and myspace groups that are jumping on a bandwagon that they know nothing about. if they were to google "don't buy gas on" they would see that they are idiots and people are laughing at them. like me. it angers me, because people get upset when you point out that their bandwagon is going nowhere fast. reducing gas usage is a great idea, dropping the price is a good cause for some people (i think it should be higher), but get educated before you speak out.

the second is the derek webb messageboard. i know that some people who might be reading this have been around the block with some of these crazies. in the past couple weeks, the subjects of embryonic stem cell research and addiction have come up. watching these people talk about things they feel passionately about but will not get educated about is disheartening. i know their intentions are good, but they are misleading others with their 'facts.'

the third is probably the more infuriating for me, because it is potentially damaging to real people's lives, not just stupidity aimed at gas prices. some rich white girl wrote (and got paid to write) and article saying that the vaccine for HPV (which protects girls from getting cervical cancer) could kill thousands and cause infertility. this is nonsense, and she obviously did not do a lick of research for the article, but wrote out of her ass. people reading, however, are college-aged females who might avoid getting the vaccine because they don't want to die. so this writer could have (indirectly) talked girls out of a vaccine that could save their lives.

so i've been thinking about saving people from themselves lately. please, before you get on a bandwagon, think/read/talk about it and see how you can best assist the cause. the cause is probably good, as in all three cases, but the approach is terrible.

11

2007-04-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

warning - boring post about my life.

so i'm through with neuro forever. that's pretty cool. the national board exam was easier than any exam we've had so far in the class. that's good, but it kind of pisses me off that they (the licensing board) don't expect us to know what we learned in great depth, but my professors taught it to us in the minutest details anyway. but so it goes.

i'm now studying pharm. we have a couple tests in a different classes wednesday and thursday, but i'm putting them off for a little while. the pharm i'm studying now includes drugs for constipation, diarrhea, IBS, IBD, colon cleansers, ulcers, and other little odds and ends with the GI tract. bad news - diarrhea isn't that funny when you study it. unless the professor is asian and says "diarrear" and that's pretty funny.

12

2007-04-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

wii rules and rocks in the hardest of ways.

i have 12 days and 6 tests left before the end. tomorrow's test is over the subject of neuroanatomy. it's a national comprehensive miniboard. it will rock my face off in a much different way than wii does. but it will only get to manhandle me for 3 hours.

kelly is coming down 12 days also. so when i count down days left in hell, i get to simultaneously count down days until i get to see her. that's pretty cool.

15

2007-04-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

so today i have 15 days left of school, and 7 tests.

what i am studying today - neuroanatomy. this includes - but is not limited to - memory, learning, addiction, olfaction, localization and lateralization, sleep, executive processing, depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis, neurodegenerative diseases such as alzheimers and dementia, and the hypothalamus.

i have the test for this material, and the lab material associated with it, tomorrow. then the miniboard for it on monday.

tomorrow my wii is set to arrive. i'll probably open it up, drink a lot, and play golf on it.

i'm bored, and this is boring, but i'm bored so i'll post it anyway. because i do what i want.

shit the bed

2007-04-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

when was the last time you felt like this? like out of nowhere, suddenly someone aims a swift kick straight into your family jewels? like you had your already pretty stressful life in some sort of order, and suddenly someone tells you that you're dumb as hell for planning?

i found out about 20 minutes ago that the test i'm taking friday is comprehensive over the entire semester of neuroanatomy. so this test went from covering 25 hours of lecture to over 100. he just plopped an extra 75 hours of lecture on me out of nowhere. it's not like math, where things are pretty easy once you've learned the harder concepts. nope, things at the beginning are not built on, so they are erased from my mind.

today i got kicked in the balls.

you meant regular coke?

2007-04-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

i'm not really used to being mocked by people under the age of 18. not because i don't deserve to be, but i don't really see many young people during my average day. i see a lot of really smart old people who teach my classes, classmates who are about my age (who thoroughly mock me any chance i give them), and people i pass in life who i don't really talk to. the only young people that mock me to my face are my young life guys and kelly's brother.

i went to lenny's sub shop tonight to enjoy a delicious sandwich, cookie, and drink. my drink of choice happened to be diet coke. i'm used to people looking at me a little funny when i order it, but the person who got me my drink didn't. that was nice of her. but when i was leaving, i went up to get my refill, and gave my drink to little miss thang 16 year old. i told her i had diet coke, and she walked over to the drink machine to refill it. "you meant regular coke, right?" she asks me. "because diet coke is gross." this is when she sticks her finger in her mouth to make the vomiting sign.

"no, i want diet coke," i say very politely.

"why?"

"did you know that coke has 40 grams of sugar in a small? and that's about twice that size. i drink a hell of a lot of coke, so i drink diet. i don't want to die an early death."

"oh." she's still looking at me like i'm a total idiot. "here's your DIET coke."

right at that moment, i wanted her to drink so many cokes that she got diabetes at the age of 20. i don't wish that on her now, but for a few minutes, i wanted her to have one of the worst chronic diseases that she could get. i'm an ass, but she made fun of me for drinking diet coke, and i hated her for it. i wish they'd get coke one at restaurants, because that stuff rules. but i have to stick with diet.

i had probably the equivalent of 8 cokes today. so that made me think of what i would have consumed if i had chosen regular coke. some examples.

these are fleece blankets that weight 250 grams. you can get these monogrammed with your favorite team's logo. that might put them over 250 grams. but i wouldn't want a blanket's worth of sugar in my stomach.

this is a sony camera that weighs 250 grams. it has amazing clarity. it's high tech, full of options.

you get the idea. i'm glad i didn't eat that much sugar today just for the hell of it. i'd rather enjoy my cookie that had tons of sugar in it. and that girl and shove it.

done

2007-04-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

I got a Wii off Ebay. I checked every store in Mobile (and within 50 miles) that carried the system for three days. I had a phone list made out of all 30 places, but then I decided it would be worth it to just pay the extra $50 and get one off Ebay. So I did. It's going to stay in the box (hopefully) until after my last test on May 4. Then I'm getting tipsy and playing a video game that requires you to have some sort of coordination. Being a total nerd, I know that alcohol affects the anterior cerebellum, especially the vermis, meaning that Wii and alcohol will be much more fun than Wii without alcohol. It will be off the chain, yo.

In other news, the little turtledumster got spayed yesterday. And today she doesn't realize that she is still in pain (because she was born in a crack house and knows no pain) so she's trying to climb curtains and be a little shit. I might have to lock her in the bathroom until she heals up.

I've been wanting to write about bigger topics that I think about on this thing, but I don't really have time yet. Maybe in a few weeks I will tackle some different things. But right now it's just what's going on in my life and my pursuit for happiness (and Wii). Sorry.

wheeeeeee and whooooaaa

2007-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

i'm getting a nintendo wii for my graduation present to myself. it's not really graduation from school, but it's graduating from the classroom into the hospital. so may 4, i will be a new owner of what promises to be sweetness. i can't wait to play the zelda game.

it may be a bad thing to get a wii at this time in my life, but i think it will be a good thing to get away from school with. and kelly wants dance dance revolution for it. i'm not sure if i can let my ultrasweet wii stoop that low. anyway, i decided this a couple days ago, and i'm excited about it and wanted to share my excitednessitude with all 2 people who read this.

in other news, i think i'm overwhelmed by music lately. there is so much of it out there, and a good deal of good music mixed in with all the shit. i'm getting to the point where i would rather listen to my old favorite music than find new favorite music. i've heard a lot of really good new bands, but i get tired listening to them and trying to absorb them into my inner music library. i think i'll be different about this later, but for the past few months, i've had my 15-20 bands that i've been listening to exclusively. and that's fine with me.

the new martin sexton is very different from what i had anticipated. it's gotten mixed reviews, the bad from the old fans, the good from the new fans. i really like it, probably because i'm a new fan and not someone who is used to martin playing in harvard square with just his guitar. seeds is very experimental, and i'm looking forward to seeing him translate it to a live song. if someone out there is looking to start with martin, check out some live shows at etree.org or 'black sheep.'

happy what?

2007-04-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

i've been wondering what this is supposed to mean? is it more of an advanced 'have a good day, but especially this one?' this is the biggest day of the christian calendar, but i think the word furthest from Easter is happy. it's too big to be happy.

seeds

2007-03-31T09:08:00.001-07:00

let me go ahead and say that it's been a while since i was this excited about a new album. but martin sexton is coming out with a new one on tuesday and i will be the happiest little monkey around.

medicine, healing, and redemption

2007-03-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

the more i do this whole 'medicine' thing, the more disillusioned i get. i came in thinking i would heal people, be a jesus figure to them, work out my salvation by helping people where they hurt the most. i'm learning that people don't get well, disease never really goes away, and i'm stuck in the middle of people who want those things to happen. but the thing that's been getting to me lately is that i want more than anything to offer what people are really looking for - redemption. and as much as i'd like to convey health to people, giving health is more possible than giving redemption.

i've been seeing people's individual pain more and more lately. we took a test wednesday on psychological problems and coping mechanisms, along with too many other things. i think people would rather be redeemed than healed. i'll probably change that tune when i get into the terminal ICU in a few months, but something inside me would rather help people deal with the shit that's piling up inside them. i know i'm going to see a lot of that in medicine, but healing only the body will do nothing to heal the person as a whole.

we had a lady come in last year who was about to complete her transformation into a female. she grew up as a boy, then became transgendered early in high school. medicine has helped to give her what she needs to finish her dream. but medicine can't heal what's hurting her much deeper. the persecution and hatred she has felt as she moved from job to job (as a highly trained ER nurse) still affect her, and the persecution of the church as she and her boyfriend have been shunned for considering getting married after she becomes a woman.

i got into this to heal, but i can't. it's a strange beast.

and i said i didn't need sunscreen

2007-03-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I laid out on the beach and fell asleep (thanks to a couple delicious Cornona's and some rum) and got toasted. Well, I'm pretty sure I got cancer on Tuesday. Cheers to melanoma.

i want new toy

2007-03-10T13:51:00.001-08:00

i really want a nintendo wii. really bad, but i'm not getting one, at least until after my big test this summer. that might be my pat on the back for enduring hell for a couple years. but the whole idea of it fascinates me. i dreamed about wii last night, which is weird because i've never seen it played (except on tv) and i don't know that much about it. but i have LOVED zelda games ever since my parents bought me the original back in elementary school. i saw that you can fish with the controllers. that's cool as hell. and if medicine is going towards this techological, hands-on approach with all the cool toys, i think i need practice with my hand-eye coordination. i've definitely lost that over the past year. i think because i'm losing the eye side of it from staring at computer screens for 12 hours a day. maybe you can rent wii's for an extended period of time.

i just wanted to get that off my chest. i am a dork. i want a wii. i know it's a huge waste of money, but it will be so much fun that i won't be able to stand it.

has anyone out there played this magnificent piece of machinery? or zelda? i want to be you if you have. i hope that's not too weird.

lent sacrifice

2007-03-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

i imagine that most people who read this blog (i have statcounter, so i know there are at least 2 people a day) have already seen this because they dig postsecret. but i thought it was very cool/interesting, so i'll share it.

jonah werner

2007-03-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

this is a really great song by a really good performer. i saw jonah werner play at samford a few years ago, and he wound probably 75 lines of popular songs into one of his, making a good song take on a whole new feel. it wasn't stretched at all, but it flowed so naturally that it felt like it was meant to be. i've seen performers try to meld songs into theirs, and it's been pretty nasty at times. matt wertz put on one of the worst shows i've seen because he tried to play other people's material at the wrong time. he had his own great music, but he tried to be funny and it failed miserably. but jonah werner did it very artistically, and i salute him for that.

simple man

Some say strangers are the strangest ones you’ll meet
I’ve got a few good friends who say the same of me
It’s the same old talk with a different beat
I’ve got a homegrown soul and homeless feet
I’ve got a blackbeard face, dirt-stained hands
I’ve got a carpenter’s build and a farmboy’s tan
I didn’t come with much, and I’ll leave with the same
And I live just for today
Because I’m a simple man

Some say good comes from living it up
But better than good is just having enough
And saving the rest for those in need
Cause when you go, you know you gotta leave
Shoot start, you better shoot the moon
You gotta seize the day or it’ll be gone soon
You can call me crazy, you can call me sane
But not a whole lot’s gonna change
Cause I’m a simple man

O, I don’t know too much about anything
What I know is enough for now and it’s enough to make me sing
You gotta look at the morning as a brand new day
Pray for the babies and amazing grace
Singing Hallelujah for the river running
Look for glory come home again
Love as may not, love as you can
Shout for the bread and dance for the rain
Do with what you got, with all you can
That’s what I do, and that’s why I’m a simple man

Simple is not just less stuff for the road
Simple is faith and a little kid hope
And a love that lasts and a life’s that’s free
If it weren’t that simple it’d be a complex thing
So put down your pack and come follow me
On this sojourn towards simplicity
I’ll walk with you, I’ll give you a hand
Cause that’s what makes me me
I’m a simple man

fda resistance

2007-03-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

so the FDA is going to approve the use of a very strong antibiotic (cefquinome) for use against cattle with a very rare type of pneumonia. i have a lot of problems with the fda, but this might be one of the stupidest things that i have heard that they're doing. why is this so wrong? because it's going to lead to the end of the world. kind of...

right now, cefquinome is only used against the severest type of infections that affect humans. it is one of the few antibiotics that is effective against MRSA, which is a bacteria resistant to one of the strongest antibiotics that we have (hence Methicillin-Reistance Staph aureus, or MRSA). this little bugger, S. aureus, used to be a small problem back before bacterial resistance was a problem. but we started using really strong antibiotics to kill really weak bacteria, and these bacteria started to get resistant to it. now the number of antibiotics active against these bugs is getting smaller and smaller.

when we start using this cefquinome against cattle, we are letting our secret weapon out of the bag, just to save a couple cattle. random mutations in a few of the bacteria in these cattle will desensitize the bacteria against cefquinome. these bacteria will get out eventually, and then we will have a cefquinome resistant bacteria. our atomic bomb against bacteria will be useless. and we'll all die.

this pisses me off because the fda keeps potentially helpful drugs away from doctors and patients, and then gives permission to vets to give cefquinome to cattle. good decision, spare the cattle, help bacteria rise up to take down the humans.

this is a little over-exaggerated, but only a little.

a little different

2007-02-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

i recently came across a song i wrote a couple days after 9/11, and i really don't know what to think about it now. my views of a lot of things have changed since then, and i'm really a work in progress with my opinions. the song was about how the church could have really said something good in the time right afterwards, but instead we joined hands with people of other religions and prayed for the suffering. i thought we should have taken the chance to say that we're really not all that different than the other people on stage. i could see people just glaring when the muslim representative got up to pray. i wished we had said, "you know, we have our crazies also. look at the KKK, slavery, and people who think we were attacked because of the gays in the building. we can stretch our religion to cover a multitude of wrongs also." it was a chance for us to beg for mercy for all of us, not just the crazies flying the planes. instead we gritted out teeth and tried to show some unity with people of other religions. i heard people at samford saying they wished they would get the towelheads off the stage. anyway, here's the song i wrote.

nothings stands at all

in the distance the empty skyline rises
where those four walls stood
now quiet raindrops fall
silver tears, silver voices streaming
where people once stood tall
now nothing stands at all

from this stage these flags of freedom were raised
but some men thought they flew too high
then one day they tore these four walls down
trying to break us and make us cry
as if there was no reason why

when you come, come quietly
when you come, don't say a thing
don't disturb the peace that guards
memories and all those hearts
that stood on freedom, and where they stood tall
now nothing stands at all

in the distance, the quiet steeple rises
where those four walls stood
now quiet raindrops fall
silver tears, these silver voices singing
where people once stood tall
now no one stands at all

from this stage the flags of truth were raised
then the truth slowly bled into none
then one day they tore these four walls down
preaching salvation from the earth, the sky, and sun
as if everything was one

when you come, come quietly
when you come, don't say a thing
don't disturb the peace that guards
memories and all those hearts
that stood on freedom, and where they stood tall
now nothing stands at all

again, not sure what i think about this, but i was thinking about it a lot over the last fews days for some reason. and i think i still like it.

the big conspiracy goes bang

2007-02-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

great news. all those lies that we were taught in school about the universe are lies. complete and total lies. it's a conspiracy that has recently been debunked. not only did the big bang never happen, but the whole heliocentric solar system is bullshit as well. in fact, the earth is not rotating either, so throw out gravity and the tides as well. but the best news of all - this is all Madonna's fault. her Kaballa cronies, and the jews, are at the root of evil.

the best part of it is that god made a big magnet for the world to be under so it looks like it's rotating and spinning around the sun once every 365.25 days (see below). one big invisible magnet fooling us all. for all you doubters out there, the author of the website has a Master's in teaching (sorry john). he includes kits to take to your high school education boards so that they will start teaching geocentricity.

joy of meth

2007-02-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

yet another reason not to be smoking joints and using meth while shooting off your .22 caliber in a boat. some 60-year-old in oregon was doing this and shot a scuba diver in the face. the guy's ok after eight hours of surgery. and the old man was kind enough to pull his boat over to shore after he heard the man screaming. so this hopped-up old man didn't even realize he had shot someone until the guy had enough time to swim to shore and start screaming for his wife.

william roderick, who already had a felony record, was hunting cute little buggers called nutria.

turning point

2007-02-08T17:20:00.000-08:00

i am a huge fan of david wilcox. i'm pretty disappointed in myself because i never got one of his CDs, which is strange because i usually get OCD when i have all of an artist's albums except for one. so i got turning point and listened to it and found one of the best songs i've heard in a long time. it says a lot about what i've been thinking about lately.

I used to pray for rescue by burning up my pain.
That's the only kind of prayer I knew back then.
It was a fire of desperation for any wings in flight
Like a beacon from my lifeboat late at night.
As long as I was waiting
Under the empty sky out there,
I would feel that sorrow burning like a rescue flare.
I'd fear there's nothing to believe in, nothing that would care.
And the fire of desperation,
That's my silent prayer.
That's my silent prayer.
That's my silent prayer.

I want to smash the windows. The congregation's asleep.
I want to feel the wind blow and let the spirit free.
I can't, I can't stand to sit there where their God is pocket-size.
I want to feel what's real and will not compromise.
This rage I blaze inside me
Into the empty sky out there,
When I feel that sorrow burning like a rescue flare,
I fear there's nothing to believe in. Nothing that would care.
And the fire of desperation,
That's my silent prayer.
That's my silent prayer.
That's my silent prayer.

She cuts 'til she's bleeding to scream out from her skin.
And he tightens the tourniquet deep within.
Friends fall so fast.
We call it suicide.
You just scream in silence over time.
This pain you blaze inside you
Into the empty sky out there,
When you feel that sorrow burning like a rescue flare,
You fear there's nothing you believe in. Nothing that would care.
And the fire of desperation,
That's your silent prayer.
That's your silent prayer.
That's your silent prayer.
That's your silent prayer.
That's your silent prayer.

onward

2007-02-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

today was a big day. i had my last pathology test, minus the finals. i'm so happy that class is over. it's literally listing the things that can go wrong with the human body, which is more than a little boring.

tomorrow we learn what groups we are in for the next year. i'm a little nervous because there are certain people that i will kill if i am stuck in a small group of 8 people with them.

at the speed of trees

2007-01-29T14:31:00.000-08:00

so i'm getting my last real vacation this summer, for about 6 years. i have a really big test that determines what i'll do for the rest of my life that i'm going to take the first week in june. then i have about 2 and a half weeks where i can do what i want. i think i'm going to want to relax. i'm not sure exactly what i want it to look like, but i think i want beaches or beautiful mountains. and i want drinks and some alone time. and i want to hang with kelly without the stress of school. it's only 20 days or so, but i want it to feel like years.

so, given 2 weeks of vacation, what would be your top spots? no money worries (which isn't true, but i can dream), no restrictions.

i think i want to go up to the northwest. i've heard that northern california has some amazing beaches, and i know that there are some sweet mountains and national parks out there. or i could go to costa rica or somewhere in central america. i think my ultimate would be new zealand, but that's probably too big of a trip for that time. i don't want to be that far away.

any ideas for relaxation?

animal abuse

2007-01-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

i don't want to hear anything about me hurting this cat, and it was hard to put this video out there for all you animal lovers to judge. but i shaved the cat's head again, and put a garbage bag over her head, and let her run wild. she's crazy as hell, and this is just a little proof.

god loves a fag

2007-01-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

It seems like someone who spent his or her life struggling with something bigger than they could deal with would have love for people like themselves. It's crazy. I really don't have words for this, but this guy is a "reformed homosexual" as he calls himself on his personal website. And then he wrote a song called "God Hates a Fag" and made a music video for his 'ministry.'

you filthy sinners should just let me be
because jesus christ is the only man for me!!!!
God hates fags
God hates a fag
God hates fags
God hates a fag
If you're a fag he hates you too
- Donnie Davies

thanks to andrew for the update. you can get the video at http://www.eveningservice.com/Video

that's my bush

2007-01-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

i think this might be one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time. i completely forgot about That's My Bush, which was a comedy central show during bush's first year in office. this episode is about a dinner with the heads of the pro-life and pro-choice groups. the pro-life leader is an aborted fetus who happened to survive, who yells at the pro-choice leader "well, you should think twice before you bend over and open your meat curtains." i should really study more, but this is so much more fun.

for posterity's sake

2007-01-17T16:24:00.000-08:00

well, as probably everyone who reads this blog knows, last weekend i asked kelly to marry me. it was probably the best weekend that anyone has ever had, and i'm glad that it happened to me. people keep telling me to write down everything that i remember, exactly what happened, because i'm an idiot and will forget it a few months from now. so, here i will endeavor to lay down the story of our engagement. this is the story of how i got the most beautiful woman to agree to marry me without using drugs or (too much) alcohol. so -

dude warning - turn back now, this will probably be lame. or i may include a synopsis at the bottom. we'll see.

fe warning - get excited, here are all the juicy details. but if you talk to kelly, make sure to act surprised and really interested because she'll want to tell you the whole story. and i don't blame her, because it was great.

so, this story starts off around christmas, with kelly and i walking around a lake. we sit down and start to talk about the whole process of getting married - all the good parts and bad parts and the things that we want or don't want. and suddenly this guy realizes that planning a wedding will probably be pretty difficult since he will be out of town for most of the planning time. so i realize suddenly that i will need to get a move on this whole engagement thing.

i'd been looking online for rings, getting an idea of what kelly wanted from friends, but online ring shopping seemed really lame. it's like getting a car before test driving it. you don't really know what it would be like when it arrived in the mail. even rings with 20 photos could look totally different once they arrived. so i started looking around mobile the day after i got back from christmas break with a good friend of mine in med school with me (female of course). i am sort of an impulse buyer, and the first place i went i found a ring that i really liked. it was beautiful, an old ring made in the 1930s, platinum with small emeralds and diamonds in the band, and lots of filigree work in the side. it had sat in the display case for years, but no one wanted it, so the jewelers took the diamond out and set it in a box in the back. luckily i talked to the one lady in the store who knew that the ring was back there, and she brought it out and i loved it immediately. but i went to about 10 more stores, only to realize that no ring i had seen looked more like kelly than the first one i liked.

so i bought the ring and a diamond to go with it, and it was ready on wednesday the 10th. kelly had been planning on coming down to mobile the next weekend for MLK, but i wanted to ask her in birmingham around family and friends there. so i called her little brother kyle and tried to figure out how i could get her to stay in birmingham and me come up instead, without getting her suspicious. we looked through concerts and athletic events (which kelly would have enjoyed the hell out of), but i couldn't find a reason. luckily, kelly got a little sick. Well, kind of luckily, so i told her i would come up there instead of her having to travel while not feeling well. so i was going to come up on friday and leave sunday night.

i had not talked with her father about our getting married, so actually i had to come up on thursday night, eat dinner with him, spend the night at her parents' house, and then "arrive" later that evening. so i got into town, studied at panera for a little while until dinner, then ate at jim and nick's with her dad. it was a fun conversation. we talked a lot about the ups and downs of marriage, how crazy kelly can be, football, family, sex (just kidding), and a lot of other things. we get along really well, which is more of a blessing than i could have imagined. and we head back to her house to chill. about 30 minutes after we get there, he gets a call from kelly, and she's on her way home to spend the night because she's not feeling well. she'll be there in 15 minutes. so he's signaling me to get ready to leave while he's on the phone, and i rip out of there so i can get out of the subdivision before she drives in.

i ended up spending the night on kyle's futon in the UAB freshman dorm (so if you had a missed call from me that night, i was calling to find something more comfortable than a futon). but i had a good time hanging out with him and his buddies. i got up kind of early and went to study, all the while calling kelly and telling her where i was - i'm in class, i'm about to get on the road, i'm stuck in traffic, etc. luckily she didn't pick up on much, even though i probably switched stories a couple times. so i "got there" early friday night, and we went to an art opening and then out to eat with her friends.

saturday i got up early and went to study again. i could hardly look at a book the whole time, because saturday was the big night. i had made all the arrangements and booked reservations. before dinner, we went to visit a couple places to have the reception because he mother is on the ball for this whole wedding thing, even though i had not asked her yet. but we found the place we wanted to have it that day, so it's paid for and set in stone at the inverness country club.

we got all dressed up after looking at reception places and went to mccormick and schmicks for dinner. we really don't get dressed up too often, but we had decided that we would have a good date that night since we hadn't had much andrew and kelly time in a while. so we had some delicious seafood and an amazing dessert (ask kelly about it, because you know how she likes dessert). then we took a nice bottle of wine (and a corkscrew we had to buy on the way) up to a lookout in mountain brook. we had gone there right before we started dating, and we'd talked about going back up there but never got the chance. i brought a blanket and we set it out on ths little wall on the side of the road, and we pulled out our red solo cups and drank some great italian wine we had bought on a previous date. we talked about some of our best times, when we started dating and how we had surprised each other at different times. we started saying when we thought were our most special moments. then i pulled out my money line - well, don't you think this night is special? she didn't think it was one of the most special... would it make it more special if i asked you to marry me? that's when i pulled out the ring and held it out to her.

she started babbling incoherently saying a whole slew of wows and oh mys, then finished it off with a lot of kisses. after a few minutes, i called a friend who was waiting at the bottom of the hill to come up and take pictures of us. while he was coming up, i pointed out to her that she had never answered my question. she screamed 'yes' in a very beautiful way, and that, in my mind, made it official. i won. we won. it was great.

after the pictures (which are on facebook, or you can download them here) which came out great, and will stroud is a stud for taking them, we called people. for a long time, we called friends and family and random people in our phonebooks, skipping around and missing people (if you didn't get a call, don't feel bad. i forgot to call some of my family the first night).

i can honestly say that this weekend was the best weekend ever. i have never felt so full. i have never felt so loved by the people who mean so much to me. i was on top of the world. we went to eat lunch with her family the next afternoon, and it was awesome to see them and see how happy they were for us. then at church and seeing people randomly. it was great. i had to drive home sunday night, and i spent the whole time either talking to people on the phone about it, or sitting there realizing how blessed i am. knowing the quality of people i have surrounding me now gives me a lot of hope for our future. kelly and i have beautiful friends. i'm so excited about our future, and i can't imagine loving anyone more than i do her. but i look forward to the day when i really learn to love her well. it will be cool.

dude's synopsis - i asked her to marry me and she said yes (after a little while).

is belief with certainty possible?

2007-01-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting in panera bread right now, having a cup of joe, a muffin, and studying for neurology. sitting at the closest table (there are plenty empty ones, but they chose right next to me) sat two women, one thin as a rail, one relatively large. they both have cups of coffee filled to the brim, without lids on them. the very large lady stood up, very carefully to avoid hitting the table, and as she did so, i saw the smaller lady hit the underside of the table with her foot. coffee sloshed out of both cups and all over the table.

how could you do that? can't you be more careful? there's coffee everywhere!!! get napkins for the table.

i'm not sure which lady actually caused the coffee to spill. was it the small lady with her foot, or the other lady with her waist? it honestly could have been either, but it was such a strange dynamic and situation.

i started thinking about god. the many views i take of him, how my perception of him changes on a daily basis. the thin lady sitting back in her chair, trying to be nice to her friend, a little haughty about the experience at panera, purposely knocking over the coffee and jumping down her throat for the hell of it? the big lady, clumsily going about her work, knocking things over while the other lady could have easily held the table still? and the whole time, i see this little lady looking down her nose at her 'friend' as if they were different on more levels than just a couple pounds.

many times over the past couple years, i've felt like there is no god. or if there is, he is waiting for my clumsy self to knock everything over then demand that i clean it up. i can't clean it all up. there have been a lot of really hard things for me, and it seems like a helping hand would have been an easy thing. or when i'm trying my hardest to squeeze out of situations, and things still get screwed up, is someone tipping the table against me? is this a test, and if so, am i passing?

it's been an awesome couple of years. strange in many ways. i've been with kelly for a year and eight months today. it's been great. i never thought i would find love, but some day soon i hope to make her my bride. i've been working my ass off to put myself in the place where i want to be years from now - working as a doctor, healing the sick and helping people when they are really vulnerable.

but many places along the way, a little help would have been nice. this post reminds me of a story that my pastor told on christmas eve - some guy who falls down in a well and people pass by and offer to help, but he says he's waiting for god to help him. then he dies and god says he sent 3 people to help him.

i don't think i'm saying that. i just wonder what god looks like. i'm wondering why it's not easier. i'm wondering why some people find it so easy that they can write a ridiculous little story about a man in a well and believe that it really relates to life. i'm wondering if belief with certainty is possible, and if it is, is it for me?

first class bad ass

2007-01-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I think I officially pissed Kelly off (not that I am usually immune from doing that). It's something I'm not proud of, but it was so much fun I can't really be that sorry for it. I turned our cat into the pit bull of the feline world. Not only will she bitchslap any animal that comes in her way, but now she has the haircut to match.

I apologize for the picture, because it really doesn't do justice to the haircut. But the cat has a new name - Thug - and an inverted mohawk. I offer a challenge to anyone who thinks their animal can take mine in a bare-knuckle boxing match. It's on.

In other news, I am continuing with class. Pharmacology is much more interesting than I had anticipated, and Neurology is much worse than I ever imagined. I think the brain is more complicated than the whole rest of the body combined. And I like drugs. So that explains those two things.

I've been having a very hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. It's stress, because it didn't happen over Christmas break. So I went to the doc and got some Sonata which is supposed to get you to sleep, then wear off so you won't be drowsy all the next day. Well, I took it a few times, and one time it made me stay up even longer. It kind of worked last night. I just want to sleep and it freakin' sucks ass just sitting in bed and begging for sleep. And I still wake up groggy in the morning.

In other news, I'm going to Birmingham this weekend. It should be fun.

temporary relief

2006-12-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

well, school is going as expected. it's over for the semester, and will resume promptly on January 2d. i think the past couple weeks were the hardest that i will have to endure, with 5 tests in 8 days. so i'm glad that's over. it was hard going back to school after being in birmingham for such a long time, but i'm back and hanging with the kelly, so all is good. i think i'll start calling her the kelly, because she's that cool and she deserves exclusiveness.

i'll be in and out of birmingham over christmas break, so if people want to chill and eat some hammers, you know where to find me. or if you don't, i'm sure you can figure out a way. we're all smart people here.

i really love my family, but planning holidays around so many different events makes me think one thing - bullet. that's all i want next time i have to deal with this. i'll use it as a threat at first, but i won't be afraid to use it if need be.

i'm going to eat dinner now with the kelly. we just finished making out, and then she went to an RA party for a few minutes. now we're going to eat at macaroni grill and get some wine at the grape. peace out, bitches.

stream of teetee

2006-12-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

This might be a little weird, just to warn you before you read further.

So I have my normal morning routine, which used to be getting up, taking a leak, starting the coffee, eating a bite to eat, and leaving. But with the advent of the cat, as soon as I get up, she starts following me around. If I don't let her into the bathroom with me for my leak and teethbrushing, she sits outside the doors and begs to come in. Trying to be a good roommate, I let her in with me so she doesn't wake up Jason.

My cat has an obsession with peeing. She jumps on the ledge of the bathtub and watches the weewee hit the water. And the one thing I've been wanting to happen for the past couple days is for curiosity to kill the cat. I want her to jump into the toiletbowl while I'm urinating. I think it would be the funniest thing ever. I'd just throw her in the shower and clean her off, but it would be priceless. I would dig it in the weirdest way. She also likes the flushing part (even though it scared her the first couple times), and I would accept it if she jumped in while it was flushing. But if she went in after the stream of urine, I would be ecstatic.

On a more normal note, today is Kelly's birthday, so if you live in Birmingham give her a call and drink an alcoholic drink with her. She would love it.

vaccines and hope

2006-12-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

Today is AIDS Awareness Day.

AIDS is an interesting virus and phenomenon. It attacks our world's poorest and most down-trodden. There are so many intricate problems with treatment regiments and spreading the disease. The best hope for reducing the morbidity and mortality of HIV is a vaccine.

At UAB and Vanderbilt, there are vaccine tests going on. There is zero risk of contracting the disease from these tests, but they do require time. I wish I could participate in the trials, but there are not any available in Mobile.

Get involved. It's not a huge commitment, but imagine what the world would look like with a successful vaccine.

questions and bitches

2006-11-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

I heard the question 'what if?' a lot this past week. I'm not sure I understand it - how to approach it or answer it, or even if it is supposed to be answered. I don't think that way. I don't like to dwell on the past. Everything could be different, everything would be different if a single 'what if' were to change.

I'm afraid of the question. I'll admit to that much. It makes me doubt God. It makes me believe more than ever before. Is God big enough to orchestrate little things, and could I seriously mess things up enough that I would not be where I am now? I think I fear God most when people ask me that question. I'm terrified that I can still screw everything up.

I love where I am now. I don't want to think about what would it be like if.

I got a kitten. I still don't know what I think about cats besides the fact that every cat I've ever known makes me wonder why the word bitch doesn't refer to cats. If I wanted to insult a lady, I'd call her an angry cat much quicker than I would call her an angry dog. Most cats are angry, aloof, quick to pounce, and overall just like an off-the-deep-end hormonal woman. I'm trying to make my little monster better than that. Is there a word for female cats?

in the end, it's all grace

2006-11-13T21:47:00.000-08:00

This Sunday Steve talked about anger amoung believers, those called to the court of God, and those who get angry at God for giving different wages to different people. He used the parable of the workers who came in at different hours and all got paid the same wage. Those who came early and worked through the heat of the day were pissed at the owner of the vineyard for paying them the same as those who worked for an hour. I've seen a lot of anger in myself lately at others. I don't know their stories, their backgrounds, how Christianity fleshes itself out in their lives. I've been angry because I can't understand. I think deep down I feel better than them. But in the end, it's all grace. I loved that line of the sermon.

I have a hard time reading the Bible. Not because I don't believe the basic tenets of it, but because I don't believe that we understand the basic tenets of it. I've seen it used so hatefully and thoughtlessly. I was reading through Gadsby finding strength in what people hundreds of years ago pulled from it. I came across this hymn and teared up.

816

When is it Christians all agree
and let distinctions fall?
When, nothing in themselves, they see
that Christ is all in all.

But strife and difference will subsist
while men will something seem;
Let them but singly look to Christ
and all are one in Him.

The infant and the aged saint,
the worker and the weak,
They who are strong and seldom faint,
and they who scarce can speak.

Eternal life's the gift of God;
it comes through Christ alone;
'Tis his, he bought it with his blood;
and therefore gives his own.

We have no life, no power, no faith
but what by Christ is given;
We all deserve eternal death
and thus we all are even.

photo by jerry aaron hazard

the worst sense of the word

2006-11-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

david wilcox - good man (go to his website http://www.davidwilcox.com to hear it streamed)

Let me apologize in advance
For the way my friend behaves
He'll pick a fight and take a holy stance
He's so proud that he's so saved

I hope you don't judge Jesus
By the things my friend will say
He holds a bible like a dagger
And he twists it just that way

He just loves conversation - like a cat loves a bird
I guess he's always been a good man - in the worst sense of the word

The good knights went out to save the day
In the age of the crusades
A sharp sword on a tortured soul
They were sure the point was made
Any tool can be a weapon
If it's used with that intent
The devil's great at quoting scripture
And confusing what it meant

So all the evils done for Jesus - it is a history so absurd
But there will always be a good man - in the worst sense of the word

They 'jacked a plane to make a sneak attack
They were trained to die in flames
Their last words were to God above
Just to praise His holy name
For all the terror and destruction
They felt no sense of shame
You gotta wonder why religion
Can make people so insane

But their devotion was unquestioned - follow straight and never swerve
The devil always needs a good man - in the worst sense of the word

smelting? not sure what it means, but i'll gladly use the word

2006-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

I really like politics. I like the notion of engaging ideas and being wrong and coming back to something better. I admit it, I like watching all this crap on television also. I hate it after the fact that I wasted so much time on something that I could have logged onto CNN in the morning to find out, but I can't tear myself away from it. But today, I don't think that any of this mattered. I guess it might help in a few years, but I'm not looking forward to anything really changing in the near future. I think the complaining will get louder (if it's possible) and hopefully someone good will rise from politics for 2008. But nothing will change for a while.

I wish that politics was something more like smelting. And let me assure you, I know about as much about smelting as I do about great sex. I think in the perfect society, ideas from all sides would be thrown into this big fire, and things would melt together and the crap would burn off and you'd be left with a single entity. And no one would really know what part they contributed but everyone would be really impressed that something so beautiful came out of the process. It'd be fantastic.

And I'd like Barak Obama to consider running for President. I'm reading his book "The Audacity of Hope" after I finish some Anne Rice. I can't imagine a politician writing a book with that title, but I'd like to get a better look at him.

smoke screens and humility

2006-11-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

I got sad reading through the responses to a friend's blog. I know these things are here to give people a place to just say stupid things and vent and get a rise out of people and piss people off and overall be a tool of the devil. But a blogger left a link to the Ted Haggard story on CNN and said that he couldn't wait for a post on the Haggard story because he talks to President Bush every Monday.

Obviously, since this guy had some private issues that suddenly came into the spotlight, everyone around him should be thrown into the fire of retribution and scalded with the heat of others' purity. Like the advice this guy gave the president would have been that much different if he hadn't called a male escort service. Let's torch him and ignore what good he has done (which I don't know much about).

What if President Bush came out and said that he supported Haggard? That he loved him as a brother? What if the president took a second from his campaign schedule and called Haggard instead of the White House instantly putting up a wall between the two men?

What if President Bush said we all fight? I'd have a little more respect for him. As for people who are using this to bash him, fuck you all. He has given us plenty to use to point out his faults. Use anything else.

the great american christmas present

2006-10-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

good music

2006-10-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

Just to let all you know, Griffin House and Mat Kearney are playing at Zydeco on November 16. I'll be there. I win.

new patience

2006-10-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day in my 'career,' if you will. I saw my first patient and took her history. Which seems really insignificant, and it was, but it was fun. It made things start coming together after a long time wondering what the hell I was doing. She was a little Mexican lady with a clotting disorder. She married her husband 20 years ago, has a daughter, and just moved to the US seven years ago. She had been traveling back and forth a lot. Her husband wanted answers from the hospital because her care had been screwed up many times, and she was left alone on her floor while having a serious allergic reaction to medication. I don't know what I would have done in his situation - my wife apparently having a seizure in front of me and no one around to help. Not a single person on the whole floor for 45 minutes. He could have called an ambulance faster. But they were a cute couple. They had Spanish pet names for each other like 'mi amor' and esposa and whatnot. And they were strong together.

I got to introduce Kelly to a large part of my family this weekend. I wish she had gotten to meet my grandmother. My grandmother had gotten a picture of Kelly a few weeks before and I had hoped they would meet. But I'm glad Kelly got to see the end. Something about the end says a lot about the rest of her life.

This weekend I saw a lot of fear and a lot of strength and a lot of grief, but much more joy than anything. I drank a lot of wine on multiple nights. I made new friends and pushed aside differences with old ones. I love my family and my girlfriend. One day they will be the same (kind of). I hate waiting because I feel like my life is at a standstill right now. But it's moving slowly toward something I'm really excited about.

That's all for now. Staph areus is calling my name.

from way up here

2006-09-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

My grandmother died in her sleep last night. She got out of the hospital last week, and was in housing limbo as she balanced the desire to live in the house where she raised her kids with the realization that she needed help. It was sudden, but not unexpected. She was a beautiful lady with a big heart. I know there has been talk about the 'greatest generation' and their flaws. I think her generation spent too much time trying to turn back the clock and make it look like it used to. The first time I heard her cuss was a couple months ago when I went up to visit. "Those damn Republicans..." She saw the flaws and she really saw where the world is going - not to hell, but to a different place than she grew up in. And she really was excited about it.

I talked to my mother this morning. She told me a story about her conversation with Grandmother on Monday. She was laying out her weekly schedule - well, Tuesday I'm going to sewing circle, Wednesday I'm working in the garden with FraFra, and Thursday I'm eating lunch with John Daddy. Her son's name is John, and he was going to each lunch with her today. John Daddy is her husband, and he died about a year and a half ago.

Faith like a child. That's one thing I don't have. I have a complicated faith, full of doubt and fear. My mother brought me this story as a gift. She saw in it that Grandmother knew she was going to pass away and be with her husband today. I saw my mother's gift as foolishness. It was her age and her condition, with strokes and heart attacks. I can give a hundred reasons. Why can't I grab onto a little hope that she was giving me? It's beautiful, the story of homecoming and embracing death and life. I've made it scientific. I want children's faith. I would have bought that story hook, line, and sinker ten years ago. I want that faith back, but I don't know what it even looked like.

let the last be first

2006-09-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was enraged by Paste Magazine recently. I would link that to their website, but I don't think it's worth the time. They made a list of the Top 100 best living songwriters. It's quite a quest to set out on, and I think they returned home emptyhanded. The list has a lot of good names on it, don't get me wrong, but they are in precarious order with many missing. And, as if I haven't quoted him enough, I'm going to post another song by my favorite songwriter (he didn't make the list).

God Believes in You - by Pierce Pettis

When you start to doubt if you exist
God believes in you
Confounded by the evidence
God believes in you
When your chances seem so slim
When your light burns so dim
And you swear you don't believe in Him
God believes in you

When you rise up just to fall again
God believes in you
Deserted by your closest friends
God believes in you
When you're betrayed with a kiss
Turn your cheek to another fist
It doesn't have to end like this
God believes in you

Everything matters if anything matters at all
Everything matters, no matter how big, no matter how small

When you're so ashamed that you could die
God believes in you
And you can't do right even though you try
God believes in you
Blessed are the ones who grieve
The ones who mourn
The ones who bleed
In sorrow you sow
But in joy you reap
God believes in you

cover

2006-09-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

just for the record, you should never give yourself amnesty for anything.

ordinary day - griffin house

2006-09-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

I love this CD. I just bought it off iTunes today and it's all I've been listening to while studying.

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Breaking myself to follow your rules
And I beat myself up when I can’t find the strength
When I can’t seem to change the harder I think

Now let me get this straight
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day
Because I’ve tried to heal this thing
But you let me slip away

When I run away you just let me run
And I take it too far by the time I am done
And I understand I’m thick in the skull
But I’m learning to love the sound of your call

Let me get this straight
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day
Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing
But you let me slip away

I feel rejection and I up my defenses
I look for healing in the human touch
When will I learn to face the consequences
Of trying to love you and failing so much?
I’m trying to love you, but I’m failing so much

Let me get this straight
Let me feel the weight of an ordinary day
Cause I’ve tried to heal this thing
But you let me slip away
Let me slip away
Over and over and over again
I’m banging my head, it’s pulling me in
Over and over and over again
Believing my head, it’s pulling me in

beyond hubris

2006-09-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

"It's just - I simply can't accept that. It's unacceptable to think that…” This should never come out of anyone’s mouth.

On Monday, President Bush called General Colin Powell out in front of the world, saying that his opinions should not even be thought. It doesn’t matter what his opinion is. To tell the world that it is unacceptable to think something, as you send hundreds of thousands of troops into harm’s way to fight for the same freedoms as you are belittling, is a step over the line.

I think after 33 years in the military, including a stint as the Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs, and five years as Secretary of State, General Powell earned the right to give his opinion on world issues.

i'm ready

2006-09-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's been hard for me, but I think I'm ready to do it. I have a confession.

I enjoyed reading blogs for a while now. But I wanted to see if people would read what I wrote if they didn't know who I was. I found out that people like the people they know. And I could care less about some random jackass if I didn't know that I liked that jackass. So I am coming out of obscurity, mainly due to Kelly. I am Andrew Housholder. That was tough for me, after about a month of online secrecy.

strangers with candy

2006-09-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity recently thank an acquaintance of mine for really encouraging me through his life and words. I had met him a couple years ago and ran into him once or twice since then. I don't think it's often that we really get that chance to tell people that the way they are when they are walking through their normal life makes a difference. At least I don't usually take it, mostly because I'm afraid of sounding stupid. "Hey, man. I just wanted to say that it's cool that you..." But it really made a difference for him, just a little encouragement goes a long way.

Yesterday I was sitting in a coffeeshop studying. I find that is my life way too often. I take over this table in the back right by the women's bathroom door (not in a weird, stalkerish taking over) because it's a little quieter and the sun doesn't shine directly on me. It's hard being picky. But this woman walks in and locks the bathroom door. About 15 seconds later, another woman walks up and asks if there is anyone in there. "Well, yeah, I think so. I'm not really paying attention." Which I'm not, obviously. I have about six books out and headphones on. But the lady continues. "I think I'll just wait." Well, the door is locked, so I imagine you will. "What are you studying?" The six books kind of point to what I'm studying.

"I'm studying pathology," and she looks back confused. "I'm studying how diseases work. How they get in and start, and how you get rid of them. How to keep you from getting sicker." She pulled up the seat next to me and sat down.

"You're going to make a good doctor someday," she told me. "No one looks me in the eye. You're going to have the best bedside manner. You should be a cardiologist. My mom was sick and would have loved it if you had been her doctor and talked to her."

Encouragement means a lot. My friend was just doing what he always did, but my passing on encouragement since he had encouraged me meant more than I knew it would. My looking this lady in the eye, which seems like common courtesy, meant a lot to her and she passed it on to me.

I wish that people gave compliments more. I try to be strong, to look like I have it together. So people probably don't compliment me because I already look like I have my shit together. But something simple meant a lot to me yesterday.

"Whether true or false, what is said about men often has as much influence on their lives, and particularly on their destinies, as what they do"
-Victor Hugo

the new you

2006-09-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

I wish it was as easy as it used to be. God, I wish it was easy.

I don’t know what happened. A few years ago, it was black and white. Right and wrong, here and there. It’s not anymore. I want it back.

horses in a pool

2006-09-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I played a wicked game of innertube water polo. It was enjoyable because the ref made up the rules as he went along. Which is totally legal, because innertube water polo does not have an international ruling body. Otherwise, I would have been furious when my teammate was removed for four minutes for rough play. Who removes someone for four minutes? That's an absurd time decision. I'd think three minutes or five, not four. But it all made sense when the ref thought for a minute before declaring his penalty.

And, for a fat kid, any athletic achievements will be gloated over, so I will proceed to gloat over this game. I was the goalie, which is interesting when you're sitting there with your ass in the middle of an innertube. It's entertaining to say the least. Well, during the four minute penalty, the other team rushed the goal with three people versus yours truly. They had a good shot into the upper right corner, and they were up 1-0. And of course that didn't mean that our man came back in, which is ludicrous. But the game continued on, and we scored in the last minute. So we have a shootout. And here comes my bragging. I blocked all their shots. No big deal. I'm a first-class badass. No big deal. So we dominated, and are currently ranked second in the intramural league. I went home and celebrated with ice cream and law & order. I win.

king solomon's wisdom

2006-09-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4748292.stm

wholeness and history

2006-09-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

I had a great weekend. I drove up to Birmingham to visit my girlfriend and got to see a lot of friends I haven't seen in a long time. I left very encouraged by everyone I got to see. At home, I feel like I am stuck in time while it is flowing freely for everyone else. I am not accomplishing tangible goals, not getting the chance to dream and watch it come true in front of me. I've felt this weight on me that life and Christianity do not click. They did this weekend, thanks to people who I haven't talked to in months and years. I had a sudden restoration of hope and joy, and it's carrying me through what I know I have to do for the next small window of my life.

One of my good friends from this summer is a 49 year old dentist who lived on Long Island and was a few blocks from the WTC when it collapsed. I didn't know this about him until one day we were sitting in a class when the commander decided to show a cheesy country song music video with footage of the towers collapsing and everyone running. Pure shock value to get us to talk about why we joined the military, maybe say that it was because of terrorism. Within seconds, my friend was standing still and proud, tears streaming down his face. Our commander quickly shut it off. Why do they have to do that? he asked me when we got back to our room.

Why do we have to look back instead of looking forward. The NYTimes had a beautiful picture of ground zero on the front page this morning. Just breathtaking. And for one of the few times in years, I was proud of something our president said because it was beautiful. He is rarely eloquent, and what he said wasn't said gracefully, but I think it was special and hopeful.

It's hard not to think about the people who lost their lives on Sept 11, 2001. You know, you see the relatives of those who still grieve - I just wish there was some way we could make them whole.

I don't know why I found it cool, and when I look at it now written out like that, it looks insignificant. But I think there is a lot of redemption behind it. A lot of hope, a lot of what my friend LtCol Presicci wanted. I don't know how history will judge President Bush, but today I am glad that he spoke of making people whole.

the universal bond

2006-09-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was sitting at a coffeehouse doing a little work on my laptop. In walked a trio of young Arabic ladies with veils and long robes on. I don’t know why, what the reasoning in my head was, but I pulled out my headphones when they decided to sit in the table next to mine. I don’t know if I seemed rude by doing it. I didn’t even think about it. I just continued working.

It was getting late, and the shop was just about to close. I had a whole array of books and whatnot to put up, so I’m packing up my things and listening to what the ladies were talking about. I came to the conclusion that I am racist. I don’t know what I expected them to be talking about, but I know that I was surprised.

I can’t believe that he was treating me like that and I blamed it on myself. I loved him more than I loved myself.

I found it hard to breathe. These ladies were talking about pain, about relationships gone wrong, about self-pity and self-hatred. They were talking about things I think about every day. And not only did I not expect conversation like that, but I thought they were somehow incapable. Maybe culture and treatment of women had something to do with it, but how could a Muslim woman be talking about this in a coffeehouse. Weird shit going through my head.

I realized tonight that pain is universal. Real pain. Pain that brings people together, searching for some way around it and through it. I had a hard week, and my selfishness was telling me that I was the only one who could be feeling this.

I enjoyed a friend’s post from earlier this week. We bond where we hurt, and we all hurt. And that gives me hope, because we all have places where we need to be healed.

Change can be so constant, you don't even feel the difference until there is one.
Kevin Kline - Life as a House

the will to die

2006-08-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

I talked to my mother today. She wants my family to come up to visit as soon as possible. I don't think she has much longer. Her pneumonia is not getting any better. Hard words for me to hear. I will not be able to leave town for another week due to obligations here.

Mom said that Grandmother does not have the 'will to live.' She asked me what she could tell her to give her the will to live.

I saw Grandmother early this month. She was happy, but she was tired. I think after 86 years of things going on, she is ready to leave. I don’t think she really waits for graduations or these other milestones we set up. The thing she has to look forward to is seeing my grandfather. I couldn’t tell my mom that. I told her that Grandmother has had the will to live for 86 years, and if she wants to find it again, she will.

I think death is so hard because life is. We think that since life is difficult, the end of life must be much worse. We look at the moment of death, not the ending of life and starting of something else. My grandmother believes she will see her husband again soon. She looks forward to an easier existence. She has the will to live something that looks much different.

It’s been a hard couple of days. I find comfort in another song about death by Pierce Pettis.

From way up here
As far as you can see
From way up here
It's beautiful indeed
From way up here
The world is calm and strange
From way up here
Can't even see the pain

Of faces held up to the sky
In fearful prayers for peace
No prison holes, no tortured souls
Waiting for release

From way up here
The world is very small
From way up here
You wouldn't know at all

That children weep, their voices strained
They are so far away
Beneath the clouds on dusty plains
Where thousands die each day
From way up here
I almost could believe

In this blue ball as fragile as a leaf

But down below creation groans
And every living thing
Must run beneath the blood red moon
And never find relief

From way up here its beautiful indeed

her heart is beating her to death

2006-08-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

A few short hours after writing my last post, my father called. My grandmother’s birthday was Friday, so my mother made the trip to see her in Knoxville. She noticed that my grandmother was having some problems breathing, so Saturday morning it was off to the hospital for a special birthday ER visit.

I want to die quickly, as I imagine we all do. The last thing that my grandmother wants is to be in the hospital or a nursing home with people fussing over her. My mother will want to move up there, leaving my father behind for a little while. My grandmother is a proud woman, and she has every reason to be. She is strong after suffering through the Great Depression and the second War to End All War. When she smiles, all I see is confidence and pride in who she is and the family she built. She is beautiful, and she wants to be strong like she always has been.

Grandmother Nancy got diagnosed with congestive heart failure the day after her 86^th birthday. She received her prolonged death sentence. I guess we all have the same thing hanging over us, but she is paying the hospital thousands of dollars to get a better estimate. Her husband died about a year and a half ago. He woke up, told her he loved her, and slipped away. God, I wish she could go like that.

Now she gets to have fluid removed from her lungs as her daughter watches. I talked to her this morning, and all she wants is to be at home. Her life will never be the same, and I pray that she makes it home soon.

his heart is beating him to death

2006-08-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I rediscovered an old friend a few days ago. He makes me hope. He writes about a Christianity that is simple and beautiful by writing about life that is complex and mysterious. And his music is art, which speaks volumes against most music. I could complain about that, but instead I offer you my friend, Pierce Pettis.

A stickman sits upon his bed
His eyes sunk way back in his head
Like those haunting faces
Of some concentration camp

He finds it hard to catch his breath
His heart is beating him to death
A violence so senseless
He has no defenses left

A praying mantis in the dark
Stickman listens to his heart
Like a children's music box
Winding down until it stops

Stickman doesn't want to eat his food
Stickman, he cries so easily
Other sick men on the ward, they look the other way
Soon another empty bed
Fresh pillow where he lay his head
They've seen it all before
And he's just one more stickman

Oh, you are my precious boy
He can hear his mother's voice
And feel her hands upon his brow
How he longs to see her now

If she'd just come and set things right
Stickman cries into the night
But she's too far away to hear
Behind a wall of shame and fear

[CHORUS]

In this suffering and blindness
The milk of human kindness spills
And no one cries
With his ninety eight pound frame
Stickman doesn't carry too much weight
In a world where everybody dies

Night sweat soaking through the sheets
Nurses make their midnight rounds
In a metal bed that creaks
He waits as eager as a child

But the staff avoids contact
They all wear masks and rubber gloves
While the stickman starves to death
For just a shot of love

Stickman doesn't want to eat his food
Stickman, he cries so easily
Other sick men on the ward,
they look the other way
Soon another empty bed
Fresh pillow where he lay his head
You've seen it all before
And he's just one more stickman

the greatest of what things

2006-08-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

I am suddenly frustrated with my thought processes. This morning I felt physically sick at the way that every situation has a huge potential to bring me down. When I look at the world, all I see is the way that I could have done it better. For example, watching CNN I think that if I had been in charge of our national defenses, the world would not be at war right now. If I had been the Colorado district attorney, I would not have brought this Karr fellow back to America because I would have seen right through his bullshit. If I had been a brilliant astronomer, I would let Pluto still be a planet so every school in America would not have to purchase new galaxy pictures and the little planet spinny things.

I surround myself with people to whom I can complain. People who listen to me and generally agree. I say that I like discussion of topics, and I really do, but I prefer to be right after everything is said and done. I don’t think that I have entered any really controversial conversations with the intention of changing my mind afterwards. I always enter in order to ‘convert’ people to my way of thinking. And I created this blog in order to complain at will, aiming at anything. But I get enough of that in my own head, and most of it really doesn’t need to be transmitted through the world-wide web.

What people need most in the world is not my opinion. I’ve been thinking about the Bible a great deal, which is rare for me because I rarely read the Bible. But I come back to 1 Corinthians 13:13 – but now faith, hope, and love - these three remain. And the greatest of them is love. What does he mean when he says that above all, only three things remain? Right before that, he talks about everything becoming complete, and everything that is partial will be swept away. When everything is said and done, is this all that will be left?

Then why do I bitch? What does my bitching contribute to? I was thinking through an essay I was going to write for www.burnsidewriterscollective.com which is Donald Miller’s website of thoughts from himself and his friends. I agree with most of what they say, but I was going to write an essay bitching that they do not mention hope when they talk about social justice. I think that hope is the one key to making social justice come about, but they never act like what they are doing has a definitive end product. It’s more like we need to do this to show that Christians still care. Not a glimmer of hope that it will work or is working. And that pissed me off to no end, and I was going to tell them about it. If I bitch about no hope, am I contributing to hope? I’m certainly not working out of love.

These things are going through my head.

i'm confused

2006-08-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

I got excited today. I was watching Anderson Cooper report on people just pissed off that JonBenet’s accused killer had roast duck on his business class flight, and I was wondering if life could get any more boring. How people can get so worked up about it is beyond me. I decided to look for something that would make me think. The Relevant Magazine store is a good place to look for ‘religious’ books that just might be relevant. And where better to start than the recommendations? And you’ve been wondering why I was excited, because this sounds lame as hell.

Relevant is recommending a book by Joshua Harris called Stop Dating the Church. I got my laughs out pretty quickly because I started to think about how sad this whole scheme is. This guy, who I believe has the principles of dating more backwards than most people I know who have had multiple divorces, has written a dating book about the church. And the Christian church’s prophet of relationships will sell millions of books about something he probably knows less about than dating.

I wonder if his publisher made him make the dating analogy, or are relationships so engrained into his psyche that everything he says comes back to them. In his book he calls for people to be intimate with the church, to be tied to it, to be committed to and not dating their local congregation. But his analogies must stop somewhere, or his committed followers will be more confused than when they started their relationship with his spiritual genius. I am not to date girls, not to date the church, but I should date Jesus, but not his bride, who he shouldn’t be dating to start with because it will cause the Lord of Hosts to stumble.

Write a book about the church, Mr. Harris. Please don’t bring in your previous analogies. I Kissed Kissing Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl are fine, but don’t make my family kinship with my church seem like the poor connections you experienced during dating. The idea behind Stop Dating the Church has merit, but your track record makes me wish you had chosen a pen name for this one.

And Relevant, make book choices that won’t make me shut down my logic centers in my medulla oblongata. And make more than three. In addition to I Kissed Making Out with the Church Goodbye, they recommend two other books by a different author. I wish Relevant was more pertinent.